Saturday, 24 December 2011

"If all you can do is crawl, start crawling." - Rumi

I started working out again yesterday - twenty minutes on the treadmill, a miniscule achievement by the standards of most of the health-conscious people I know, but a personal achievement nonetheless. I called my father's cousin, who went to grad school in the U.S. to have a chat about his experience.

And today, I woke up plagued by regret - regret of my behaviour in the past year, thinking I knew all I needed to know, thinking I was so capable and invincible, my sour ingratitute to my parents - how could I be so cruel and incompassionate and blind, eyes wide open but not seeing how much they love me.

It reminded me of a small incident I always regretted for years - when I was about ten years old, my mother called me downstairs to watch Dragon Ball. I proceeded to snap at her and exclaim how much I didn't like Dragon Ball at all. Temperamental child, and stormed back up the stairs off to read whatever Sweet Valley or Enid Blyton book I was probably immersed in at the time. Years later, I found myself thinking back to that time, and how much I regretted snapping at her - all she wanted was to let her little girl watch a cartoon she thought the child might like.

And I don't know why it took me this long to realize, and I fear I may forget - but hopefully I will have the strength in me to remember - all our parents want is the best for us. Even if they may nag, even if we may disagree, even if it seems irrational and unreasonable and overprotective and not what we think we want, even if they aren't always right - they mean well.

At breakfast I kissed my mother and said I'm sorry, for how I've been the past year. She said it's okay - it's time to grow up.

Marta Davidovich Ockuly said, "Baby step by baby step, you have what you need right now to start moving in the direction of your happiest dreams."