Friday, 3 February 2012

"Forever alone."

Valentine's Day is coming up. My single/recently-single girlfriends are filling my social gatherings, Facebook, and Skype with nostalgia over ex-boyfriends, dream boyfriends, and as though they all knew each other, sigh in unison, "Forever alone."

If Harry Potter's worst fear was fear, every girl's worst fear might be loneliness. Of course, it is hard to be alone in this people-filled world - you have family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, strangers you meet in bookstores or yoga class who could later be your friends. But when this time of the year rolls around, it's hard to ignore Valentine's Day unless you live under a rock surrounded by more rocks. And just like people who are away from family might feel lonely at Christmas, people feel lonelier than they usually are.

Back in school, we had clubs that made everyone feel good by having "Friendship Day" celebrations on February 14th. We'd order lollipops to be sent out to our friends, so everyone kinda feels like someone cared enough about them to spend RM2.50 for a stick of candy with their name on it. But out of the ivory tower and with your life no longer scheduled according to the school bell, it's easier to feel alone.

"Remember when we first started going out, you used to say that I'm so easy to please. That it's so easy for you to make me happy?"
"Yeah. It's still easy."
"That was before we ever started fighting."
"So what if we fight? How often do we fight?"
"I want impossible things."
"What impossible things?"
"I want to never have to say goodbye if I don't wanna. I want your attention, like all the time."
"You want what every girl in the world wants from her boyfriend."
"Do you think we should break up?"
"Do you? I don't."
It's hard not to feel lonely in a long-distance relationship. Knowing someone you want to be with is across the world from you, that there are a million and one hurdles between now and the day you finally get to be with him or her. The day he doesn't disappear when the video call ends. I don't know who are the loneliest people on Valentine's Day - the people who haven't found the person they are looking for... or the ones who have, but can't be with them.

I'm lucky Willi is sure of what he wants. Because I can emo or pick fights or start on one of my I-think-we-should-break-up conclusions whenever we argue or if I don't get what I want - but he doesn't let me go into self-destruction mode. He wants to talk everything out, and I suspect may be the most important choice that keeps any relationship from drifting apart.

"I'm not a yes man. I'm sorry if that's what you're looking for," he said to me once. "I'm a I'll-stay-with-you-through-everything man."