Sunday, 19 May 2013

Yellow rose of Texas.

A friend I hadn't spoken to in about four years messaged me yesterday to tell me I'd put on weight, and that I should lose the extra poundage - pronto. This, of course, resulted in the usual predictable girl-crisis of self-hate, plunging despair, and overdramatic, exaggerated feelings of ugliness.

One step I skipped, though, was denial. There's no denying that I've put on a lot of weight over recent times, it just took the rudeness of your typical Asian acquaintance for me to realize it. Asians, culturally, are extremely and annoyingly open to criticizing everyone's weight - most Asian relatives are so dull that they don't have anything other than your weight or your love life to talk about. It's part and parcel of growing up as a Chinese female in a Malaysian-Chinese community - uninteresting conversations about the same thing all the time.

I QQed to my boyfriend, because frankly, apart from my own opinion of myself - his is the only that really matters to me.

"Look at my arm, it's bigger than my face," I said dejectedly to Darren.
"But it's a beautiful face," he said.
"I'm fat and ugly," I wailed.
"Don't be silly. You're beautiful."
"Will you help keep me on track and make sure I work out?"
"I will."
One thing I'll always appreciate about him is how he always makes me feel beautiful, and still finds a way to encourage me to stay healthy. So he doesn't make me feel like turd, which is what most people would do, but this is a man who won't let me get morbidly obese either.

So I sweated it out on the treadmill this morning and have been consciously eating less (and healthier?) since yesterday. Starting work has burned me out so completely that I didn't feel like working out after work (for the past three months!) - hopefully I'll have the motivation to get on the treadmill after work, even when I feel too tired. T.T

I really don't wanna receive another message on Facebook from some random old classmate telling me that I look like a whale. >.> A part of me wants to flip guys like this the bird, but another part of me thinks that it's for my own good and they're just being stupidly honest.

P.S: Pictures from my plus-size modelling gig at Zalora SEA (Malaysia & Singapore) have surfaced! While I really hate it when my hair is curled, they wanted to make me look older for the brand's target market - so yeah. :P It was a great experience! Another modelling job at the end of this month at Aishop too. :)

P.P.S: Blasting music loudly in my room and working on lesson plans and USC stuff makes a pretty sweet Sunday, even though I'm staying home today. :) Productivity is a nice antidote to feelings of temporary self-loathing. Hahaha, I'm kidding, I totally love myself. There's no denying I'm just as narcissistic as I am overweight. :P I'm taking up this whole blog space just to talk about myself, after all... how could I not be narcissistic? xD


Xin Ying Lee said...

Oh. WOW. Fuck that noise.

Someone who genuinely cares about your health won't use body shaming tactics to bully you into "being healthy". It just sounds like someone had a bad day and wanted to have a shitty little power trip.

That being said, if you're unhappy with the way you look, by all means, go ahead and change it. As long as you're doing it healthily and doing it for yourself, it's all good :) .

Cassandra said...

Hey, I randomly stumbled onto your blog when I was bloghopping. Anyway, I think you're genuinely very pretty for someone who's overweight! :) Don't worry too much about it babe, I think you look good!